Let’s Get Lyrical #23 – Gary Numan

You may already know this, but chronologically speaking, the seventies came before the eighties.  So this week, let us journey lyrically further back in time than ever before – to 1979, when Gary Numan released a song all about Cars.

Here in my car

He began, setting the scene

I feel safest of all

That’s odd.  You hear of people being involved in car accidents every day.  Cars may not be as bad in the mortality stakes as say heart disease, but they’re hardly the safest place to be.

I can lock all my doors
It’s the only way to live, in cars

No, Gazza.  It’s literally no way to live.

Here in my car
I can only receive

Presumably this refers to people passing you stuff in through the window out of sympathy.  “Hey, let’s take some food to the crazy dude who lives in his car – it’s Christmas Day!”

I can listen to you

Only if you drive very slowly alongside me with the window rolled down.  Not ideal.

It keeps me stable for days, in cars

Interesting definition of ‘stable’ you have there.

Here in my car
Where the image breaks down

I have no idea what this means.  I googled it and got a comic of a car breaking down.  A really bad one.

Will you visit me please?
If I open my door, in cars

This sounds like an invitation to visit him in a fleet of different cars, which is odd.  As a man so skint he has to live in a car, it seems odd he has more than one.  Rather than buying loads of motors and inviting people to visit you in them, why not put down a deposit on a flat?  You can fit more people in a flat than in a car.

Here in my car
I know I’ve started to think

DID IT HURT?!!!!!!!!!!11 LOL.

About leaving tonight

Leaving the safety of your car?  Surely not…

Although nothing seems right, in cars

Doesn’t that contradict everything you’ve said thus far?  One minute cars are the only place to live, and the next minute nothing seems right in them.  Gary Numan, so inscrutable right now.  Srs.

Let’s Get Lyrical #20 – Bob Dylan

Today, Let’s Get Lyrical have been asking Twitter for its favourite Bob Dylan lyrics. Unfortunately this is eighties week around here, and the eighties were not the best decade for Monsieur Zimmerman. Take this sensitive ditty from 1988’s universally panned Down In The Groove album, The Ugliest Girl In The World.

Well the woman that I love she got a hook in her nose

An actual hook?  That might not be a woman, Bob.  You’re describing something more commonly associated with fish, there.  Have you been fishing lately?

Her eyebrows meet, she wears second hand clothes

There’s nothing wrong with using charity shops, Bob.  You may be a bazillionaire, but not all of us have written Blood On The Tracks or whatever.

She speaks with a stutter and she walks with a hop
I don’t know why I love her but I just can’t stop.

Literally NONE of the reasons you have listed are ones that mean you can’t love her.  What you’ve said is she is poor, has a nose piercing, and may have additional support needs.  That doesn’t mean she can’t be funny, intelligent, or fun to be around.  Seriously dude, what’s with the Andy Gray routine?

You know I love her yeah I love her
I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world.

Have you seen ALL the girls in the world, Bob Dylan?  No you haven’t.  So shut up.

If I ever lose her I will go insane
I go half crazy when she calls my name

That’s a fairly normal reaction to being in love with someone.  Why should her physical appearance affect that?  If you fancy someone then you fancy them.  You probably haven’t noticed, Bob, but people in relationships are not always slim, well plucked and stylish.  Yet somehow these munters manage to find love.

When she says ‘ ba-ba ba-ba baby I love you

Oh yeah, that’s classy, take the piss out of her stutter as well as her looks.

There ain’t nothing in the world that I wouldn’t do.
You know I love her yeah I love her
I’m in love in the ugliest girl in the world.

This doesn’t sound like love to me.  Why are you questioning it this much?  Why are you ripping her to pieces in a recording studio?  Surely if you loved her you would want to protect her from arseholes that stigmatise people for being different.

The woman that I love she got two flat feet
Her knees knocks together walking down the street

That sounds like a total hassle for her, what a shame.  Just as well she has such a supportive partner.

She cracks her knuckles and she snores in bed
She ain’t much to look at but like I said:
You know I love her Yeah I love her
I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world

Not only is she unattractive and unwell, she has some annoying habits.  Which I will now immortalise in song format.  Cause that’s the kind of boyfriend I am.

I don’t mean to say she got nothing going

What?  Surely that’s impossible!  You’ve just described in detail what a moose she is and in my book, that’s all that counts.

She got a weird sense of humor that is all her own

She must do, if she’s still going out with you.

When I got low she sets me on my feet

And presumably you do the same for her?  Maybe using your songwriting talent to tell the world how wonderful she is?

Got a five inch smile but her breath is sweet.

Really?  That’s the best you can come up with?  You love her because she brushes her teeth?  Who the hell have you been going out with in the past?!

You know I love her Yeah I love her
I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world.

Mm, yes, if you say so.  Then he finishes by repeating verse one, to remind us how ugly and impoverished she is.

I don’t know if this is meant to be tongue in cheek, or zany and fun, or what.  The internet doesn’t seem to have a lot of info on the matter either.  But at least it provides us with a grim and terrible warning – even Bob Dylan gets it wrong sometimes.

Let’s Get Lyrical #19 – Metallica

I’m not very well.  How about you head back to 1984 and listen to For Whom The Bell Tolls whilst I drink my weight in Lemsip? Seems a suitably melodramatic choice under the circumstances.

Oh, and if anyone can tell me why you would make a video where the whole point is to tell people the lyrics, and then get half of them wrong / misspelt, do leave a comment… I’m pretty sure all you have to do is copy them from the sleeve notes, but apparently that’s beyond some people.

Let’s Get Lyrical #18 – Def Leppard

A journey back to the eighties wouldn’t be complete without a little bit of hair metal, and who better to turn to than Def Leppard?  I’m sure there isn’t anything too embarrassingly risqué in the lyrics of Pour Some Sugar On Me…

Step inside, walk this way
You and me babe, Hey, hey!

So far, so bad with rhyme..

Love is like a bomb, baby, c’mon get it on

Hopefully without the same amount of shrapnel

Livin’ like a lover with a radar phone

Woah there!  What’s a radar phone?  Sounds futuristic!  Or at least, it might have done in an early episode of Buck Rogers…

Lookin’ like a tramp, like a video vamp

Is this him or her?  And is it good or bad?  The answer to both of these is ‘yes’.

Demolition woman, can I be your man?

Apparently there’s an ‘adult film’ called Demolition Woman.  According to the IMDB synopsis, “In the year 20014, the ozone has gone so completely haywire that men can no longer reproduce. So Demolition Woman Isis transports herself back to the year 1994 where she collects some virile sperm samples, in the form of surfer dudes Pete and Bob. She brings them into the future as breeding stock, but they will meet opposition, and danger, from a group of power mad, men hating feminists.”  Doesn’t that sound like a fantastic piece of cinema?

Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle ‘n’ a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night

Well as long as there’s no vajazzling going on.

Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah

I don’t think that means anything, really.

Hey!
C’mon, take a bottle, shake it up

You can tell these guys are rock stars – that’s just madness!  What if it all fizzes up all over your hand?!

Break the bubble, break it up

… is that the same thing as bursting someone’s bubble?  I didn’t think it was that kind of song.

Pour some sugar on me

We could assume this to be a literal request to take that bag of tate and lyle out of the kitchen cupboard and pour it on the man…

Ooh, in the name of love

… But this implies that perhaps it is some sort of metaphor, perhaps referring to sweet sweet kisses.

Pour some sugar on me
C’mon fire me up

Maybe they’re practicing for an episode of Come Dine With Me where they’re planning on spinning hot sugar into an elaborate dessert basket?

Pour your sugar on me
Oh, I can’t get enough

I would caution you on that score, Leppards.  Type 2 Diabetes is man made, and this is the type of behaviour that can lead to it.

I’m hot, sticky sweet
From my head to my feet yeah

Well yes,that’ll happen if you submerge yourself in sugar I suppose.  Let that be a lesson to you.  It’ll be a bugger to clean up, too.  Still, it’s interesting to know that sugar has insulating properties.

Listen! red light, yellow light, green-a-light go!

You’ve chosen the wrong sense, there.  For those ones to work you want sight, not hearing.

Crazy little woman in a one man show

Surely that would be a one-woman show?  But I suppose that doesn’t scan.  Which is of utmost concern to Def Leppard…

Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up

I think here they’ve just taken a load of words that loosely rhyme and hoped for the best, really.

You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little
Tease a little more

OK, that sounds a bit rude.  But I’m sure there’s a perfectly innocent explanation.

Easy operator come a knockin’ on my door
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little Miss Innocent sugar me, yeah

Yeah, that doesn’t make a huge amount of sense either.  I assume they’re on a massive sugar high at this point and just saying anything that comes into their heads.
Chorus
[guitar solo]

You got the peaches, I got the cream

That’s definitely rude.

Sweet to taste, saccharine

Two ways of describing the same thing, there

‘Cos I’m hot, say what, sticky sweet
From my head, my head, to my feet

I like the rhyming of ‘hot’ and ‘say what’ there.  This is poetry right here.

Do you take sugar? one lump or two?

No, thank you.  This song has opened my eyes as to what can happen if you become too reliant on sugar, and I don’t want to be that guy.

If you have been affected by the issues raised by Def Leppard in Pour Some Sugar On Me, help can be found here.

Let’s Get Lyrical #17 – Rick Rolling

Morning, lyric fans.  How’s it going?  Lovely.

So far in my prolonged nod to Let’s Get Lyrical I’ve mentioned a few choice tunes from the noughties and nineties, so it seems chronologically sensible if we spend this week getting our eighties groove on.  First up, how about a bit of Rick Astley?  You know you want to.

We’re no strangers to love

I’m not saying you’re a slag, exactly, but well –

You know the rules and so do I!

Nudge nudge, wink wink…

A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy

Basically saying there that this girl is such a monumental whore that nobody else will have her, so it’s Rick or spinsterhood.  Charming.

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

By undermining your self esteem as much as possible..

Never gonna give you up

Unlike all other men, who would drop you instantly, you skank

Never gonna let you down

Well, comparatively speaking at any rate.  I mean, obviously I will let you down sometimes, in terms of forgetting birthdays, never taking you out, and not building the flat pack furniture when I say I will.  And of course I’ll slob about the house drinking lager and moaning about my bygone pop career.  But I won’t leave you, like all other men probably would.

Never gonna run around and desert you

I will totally settle.  I’ve never had delusions of grandeur, partner-wise.  I’m more of a career guy.

Never gonna make you cry

Not deliberately, at least.  I mean, I’ll probably end up very distant and emotionally detached.  But that’s OK.  I almost certainly won’t hit you or have affairs, which is the best you can hope for.

Never gonna say goodbye

Even if you want me to.

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

I will be totally honest about the fact that I’ve had to settle for the bronze medal, and you can’t be hurt by that because I told you in song format right at the start of our relationship.  Don’t come into this thinking you can change me, cause you can’t.

We’ve known each other for so long

At least ten minutes now.

Your heart’s been aching but
You’re too shy to say it

Come on, you can admit it!  I am AMAZING at reading people.

Inside we both know what’s been going on
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

Well, neither of us is getting any younger.

And if you ask me how I’m feeling
Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see

I’m not going to answer any more of your stupid questions, it’s obvious how I feel about our impending life together – fine.

Chorus repeats twice

(Because we have nothing more to say to each other)

Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)
(Ooh)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)

So stop crying and get used to the idea.

We’ve know each other for so long

Getting on for fifteen minutes, now

Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it
Inside we both know what’s been going on
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

I speak for both of us now.  That’s non-negotiable.

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

I feel as if I’m losing you now, so I guess I’ll repeat the chorus to fade, and whilst you’re looking at your watch for the seventeenth time one of my guys will creep up behind you and cover your mouth with the hanky soaked in ether as if we were in a Nancy Drew adventure.  When you awake, you will be bound to me forever, because as discussed I am NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP.

Cue three solid hours of manaical laughter.