Let’s Get Lyrical #22 – Jon Jon Bon Bon

Now, I love Bon Jovi just as much as the next over-inebriated person at a grotty rock club in the Cowgate of an evening.  But you have to wonder how/why/whether they take themselves seriously.  I mean, Wanted Dead or Alive is a bit wanky, isn’t it?

It’s all the same, only the names will change

Ever heard of context, Jon?  I mean, whilst I appreciate it’s seen as good writing technique to jump straight into the story to pique the reader’s interest, in this scenario a little bit of context wouldn’t hurt.

Everyday it seems we’re wasting away

Sure, yeah, why not.  The entire world has chronic wasting disease.  Right on!  You tell it like it is!

Another place where the faces are so cold
I’d drive all night just to get back home

Touring Alaska’s stadium circuit can take a heavy toll, I’ve heard.
[Chorus:]
I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

Good metaphor there, Jon.  Did you think of that all by your onesie?

I’m wanted dead or alive

Mostly dead though, am I right?

Wanted dead or alive

Oh for goodness sake, no you aren’t.  Pretending to be a cowboy isn’t cool, either.  You might think you’re Clint Eastwood, but you are definitely Kevin Costner in that interminable version of Wyatt Earp.  The one that makes most people want to chew off their own face rather than watch.

Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it’s not for days

Well maybe you need to get yourself into a better routine.  Stop roaming around the countryside at random hoping a mean lookin’ cowboy will engage you in a stand off and I dunno, take up running.  Eat some vegetables.

And the people I meet always go their separate ways

Wow.  That’s profound.  Or, alternatively, that’s LIFE.

Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink

Oh yeah, who doesn’t.  Tuesday is Malibu day, Wednesday it’s maybe a bottle of port, Thursday detox with some cherryade…

And times when you’re alone all you do is think

Yeah right.  Think about whether you have time to make another toastie before the next episode of Diagnosis Murder comes on TV.

[Chorus]

I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back

Ugh.  Shut up.

I play for keeps, ’cause I might not make it back

Might not make it back from WHAT?  A dangerous day of busking?  The most dangerous occupation in the West, apparently.

I been everywhere, and I’m standing tall

Dirty stop out.

I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all

Excuse me while I blow my own trumpet, won’t you.

I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I’m wanted dead or alive

Saying it in a slightly modulated key doesn’t make it any more true.

I’m a cowboy, I got the night on my side

Sure, yes, because of course everybody knows that cowboys are NOCTURNAL.  Glad to see I’m not the only one who carries out the bulk of my research on wikipedia…

I’m wanted dead or alive
And I ride, dead or alive

That’s ridiculous.  If you’re dead, you can’t ride a motorbike.  Even the cast of Dirty Sanchez wouldn’t try that.  Probably.

I still drive, dead or alive
Dead or alive [x4]

Alright, alright, have it your way.  You’re a super cool, nocturnal cowboy who was apparently killed in a freak busking accident.  Probably decapitated with your own six string.  Now please, go away, and don’t come back til you’ve come up with another You Give Love A Bad Name.

Let’s Get Lyrical #10 – Rihanna

A most popular ditty of the noughties was Rihanna’s chat with Jay-Z on the subject of her umbrella. It was number 1 in the UK for ten consecutive weeks in 2007, which was pretty impressive in a decade where single sales were in rapid decline. But were the lyrics any craic?

[Jay-Z]

No clouds in my stones

Pardon?

Let it rain, I hydroplane in the bank coming down with the Dow Jones

Again, pardon?  To hydroplane is to lose control of the steering when driving through a large body of water, and Dow Jones is a company that writes business news copy… Is Mr Z referring to an incident in which he drove through a moist bank, and someone from Dow Jones perhaps reported on it?  Banks count as businesses, so would no doubt be in their remit.

When the clouds come we gone, we Rockafella – we fly higher than weather

Rockafella, of course, refers to Jay-Z’s vast personal wealth, which enables him to fly above the clouds as soon as rain is even mentioned in passing.

In G5’s are better, you know me, in anticipation, for precipitation. Stack chips for the rainy day

That’s right, he has a gulfstream jet on standby at all times, just in case of a wee shower, and apparently it’s well stocked with crisps.

Jay, Rain Man is back with little Ms. Sunshine – Rihanna where you at?

One assumes that after that spiel she’s having a look at this jet of yours.

[Rihanna]

You have my heart and we’ll never be worlds apart

Well not literally at any rate, unless one of you (and my money’s on Jay- Z) invests in some kind of space travel device.

May be in magazines But you’ll still be m’star

Honey, you’ll both be in magazines.  I have seen your future.

Baby cause in the dark, you can’t see shiny cars

In that case, you’re doing it wrong.  Make him turn the headlights on, Ri Ri, it’s very hazardous to spev about in the dark without them.

And that’s when you need me there, with you I’ll always share, because

Fair point, it sounds as though he does need someone there, to stop him endangering himself and others around him.  Presumably what you’re about to share with him are the salient details of the Highway Code.

[Chorus]

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together

Or not.

Told you I’ll be here forever

Because that’s not clingy / verging on creepy…

Said I’ll always be a friend, took an oath ima stick it out till the end

Oh, OK, that’s quite sweet.  But does Jay-Z really force his friends to swear allegiance to him like some kind of crazed emperor?!

Now that it’s raining more than ever, know that we’ll still have each other

It’s nice to have someone with whom you can share this kind of experience, isn’t it.

You can stand under my um-buh-rella, you can stand under my um-buh-rella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my um-buh-rella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my um-buh-rella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my um-buh-rella (Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

Yeah, that’s going to be in your head for the rest of the day.  Sorry.

These fancy things, will never come in between

What fancy things?  Has Beyoncé got involved?  Perhaps thrown wellies and a sou’wester into the ring?  Better coverage than a measly brolly there.

You’re part of my entity, here for infinity

I’m sorry, but people don’t refer to ‘my entity’, the whole point of that word is that it is separate and ‘other’.  What you mean is that he is part of you, or your life, forever, but this is a deeply clumsy way of expressing that emotion.  So there.

When the war has took its part

Is this a specific war, or a more general fight to get by in this crazy world of ours?

When the world has dealt its cards

Like the sentient poker dealer it is…

If the hand is hard, together we’ll mend your heart

The world is of course renowned for dealing Jay-Z one terrible hand after another.  He’s like the unluckiest man in the music industry.  For realsies.

Because… [Chorus]

You can run into my arms

You don’t know how long I have waited to hear you say that…

It’s OK don’t be alarmed, come here to me

There’s no distance in between our love

Well… methinks there might be a Beyoncé-length distance involved, actually.

So gawn and let the rain pour, I’ll be all you need and moooooooo-OOOOOOORE

The capitals denote modulation.  Thanks, Standard Grade music.

Because.. [Chorus]

It’s raining

No it isn’t.

Ooh baby it’s raining

Nuh uh.

Baby come here to me, come here to me, it’s raining!

Seriously, shut up now.  It’s not.

Argument repeats to fade.