Links – Kid Canaveral and The Bridge Theatre Company

A couple of articles I have written lately:

Kid Canaveral interview for Guardian Edinburgh

Young theatre group from Croydon win £10,000 to help them bring their play to this year’s Fringe Festival on The Edinburgh Reporter

Meanwhile for anyone who is interested in more of my musical meanderings, on my personal blog I have embarked on the 30 Day Song Challenge.

Let’s Get Lyrical #33 – Cancel The Astronauts

I like lyrics that make me laugh, and I’m sure you do too.

I Am The President Of Your Fan Club (And Last Night I Followed You Home) by Cancel The Astronauts is such a song. It starts out earnest and a bit sad, then dives into the realms of the tongue in cheek creepy without hesitation.

I wanted you
I hoped you wanted me too
I was strange enough
I shouldn’t ever need or deserve your love

Aww. Surely not the case?

I am the President of your fan club, and last night I followed you home.

Ah.

Looked through your window, and don’t think I don’t know
That last night you weren’t alone.
Who was he?
Oh well I don’t know.
Will he be here tomorrow?
I don’t think so.

Nice. This may not be the most logical approach to winning the fair maiden, but at least it’s proactive.

I think my favourite part is:

I’m sitting here, sitting here, sitting here
In your room
Where have you gone tonight?

It’s funny because the weird stalker, who is presumably trespassing, is annoyed with the stalkee for not filling him in on her plans.  DO YOU SEE?

Other funny lyrics by Cancel The Astronauts include… most of them.  You should get both EPs and download remaining tracks from last.fm.

And watch their newest video as well:

Let’s Get Lyrical #32 – Heat Magazine, and she loves Smash Hits

I can’t believe I forgot about this when I was talking about lyrics that tell a story – Kid Canaveral‘s first single, Smash Hits.  It’s literally the lead singer telling an anecdote.

You met her at the 13th Note
She was there to see her brother’s band
I saw you try to chat her up
I even saw you try to take her hand
I just laughed to myself
Stood at the back and I had a drink
That’s when you staggered up,
Said “She’s fit but her music taste’s shite”
And
When I telt you it didn’t matter
You tell me
She likes the McFly
And you like Erase Errata

[chorus]

You saw her for a second time
You took her out to the UGC
You thought it would shut her up
The conversation turned musically
You’d called her an idiot
She showered you in her popcorn
She said
“Stick it up your arse, I don’t care if you think my music taste’s shite!”
And
when I tell you it didn’t matter
You remind me that you like John Martyn
And she hearts Neil Sedaka

[chorus/claps]

I don’t really know what to tell you about this song.

– It piqued my curiosity about Erase Errata, and I own their album Other Animals as a direct result.  It’s alright.

– “Stick it up your arse, I don’t care if you think my music taste’s shite,” encapsulates the end result of countless arguments I have been involved in/witnessed over the years. 

– I actually think that a degree of overlap in musical taste is a pretty useful thing in relationships – although it seems that this girl was nothing if not eclectic in her listening choices, so she might’ve been open to John Martyn and Erase Errata.  If only the subject of the story had made her a mixtape, how different things might have been.

– Hand claps are an excellent addition to any song.

Let’s Get Lyrical #28 – Screaming Heebeegeebees

It has occurred to me that the seventies were a time of disco, a strange and terrible medium indeed. This is a song from an LP my dad used to have by The Screaming Heebeegeebees, a Bee Gees spoof band consisting of Angus Deayton, Michael Fenton Stevens and Philip Pope. Technically it was released in 1980, but it sums up the bygone era reasonably well.

Let’s Get Lyrical #27 – Wings

Was there ever a more dreary song than Mull of Kintyre?  There are times when I hate it so much it gives me energy.  But then those feelings subside, and I’m left with a vague memory of nausea.

Muuuuuuuuuuuuuull of Kintyyyyyyyyyyyre,

It caterwauls, starting as it means to go on,

Oh, mist rolling in from the sea, my dee-saaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiirrre
is always to be here

Sweet shaving grandmothers (as I.M.Weasel used to say), I already wish I was almost anywhere else, and you’ve barely got started.

Oh, Mull of Kintyre

What is a mull, anyway?

Far have I travelled and much have I seen

When people still liked me cause I was in The Beatles writing pop music rather than dirge.

Darkest of mountains with valleys of green
Past painted deserts the sun sets on fire
As he carries me home to the Mull of Kintyre

Sorry, deserts?  In the south west of Scotland?

[Chorus]

Sweep through the heather like deer in the glen

Way to encapsulate the essence of Scotland, Sir Paul.  Deer doing housework.

Carry me back to the days I knew then

When?

Nights when we sang like a heavenly choir
of the life and the times of the Mull of Kintyre

Oh.

[Chorus]

Smiles in the sunshine and tears in the rain

Wow, this narrative is layered.  In the sense that there is definitely one layer.

Still take me back where my memories remain

Like the Metallica song?

Flickering embers go higher and higher

Embers don’t go high, you futtock.  You’re thinking of flames.

as they carry me back to the Mull of Kintyre

Embers pretty much don’t carry you anywhere either, on account of being HOT COALS.  Unless this is a metaphor.  Did he go to Kintyre on the Hogwarts Express, and take a nosy at the engine on the way?  Nobody knows.  OR CARES.

[Chorus x a million]

*kills self*

Let’s Get Lyrical #25 – A Song That Tells A Story

Today, Let’s Get Lyrical have been asking, what are your favourite lyrics that tell a story?

As it happens, I sort of collect songs like this.  Unfortunately, very few of them seem to be from the 70s, but I’d like to mention a few.

Frinstance, who could fail to love The Drunken Driver by Ferlin Husky?  It tells the tale of a man who RUNS OVER HIS OWN CHILDREN in a drunken episode, and it’s all Ferlin can do not to cry as he recounts the story.  Unfortunately, this was recorded all the way back in 1954.

I also love Our Last Summer by ABBA – or I did until I saw Mamma Mia, at any rate.  I found it hard to reconcile my crush on Colin Firth with his antics in that particular montage – he seemed to be doing his best to destroy the affection I’d had for the track since I was nine.  Anyway, I like it because it encapsulates a story of summer romance without getting either mawkish or bitter.  But I can’t write about that one, cause it came out in 1980.

In 1996, Peggy Scott-Adams released Bill, an anguished tale about a woman finding out that her husband is gay – “I was ready for Mary, Susan, Helen and Jane… When all the time it was Bill who was sleeping with my man.” It gets worse too – Bill is god uncle to their son!  It’s like an episode of Jerry Springer in song format.

The following year, a superhero ska band called the Aquabats wrote an altogether more lighthearted ditty, Captain Hampton and the Midget Pirates.  This follows the adventures of young Jim, who goes to sea to fight the fierce Midget Pirates of Willygoat, who are heading towards the Sandwich Isles to pillage the giant Ham Farm.  “And unlike normal midgets, who are bright and clever and fun to be around, these Midget Pirates with their beady little eyes and sharp teeth bore down on us like fierce sharks in a feeding frenzy of blood!” Everything you could want from a pirate adventure and more.

Oh, and then there’s The Rake’s Song, by The Decemberists, which tells the story of a rake who marries too young and kills his children so he can get his life back.  A murder ballad for 2009 – I love it.  And don’t even get me started on Charlemagne: By The Sword and the Cross, a concept album released only last year in which Christopher Lee tells the entire history of Charlemagne in the form of a symphonic metal opera.  This includes immortal rhymes like “he has taken offense / and its too late to make amends!” and is entirely amazing.

But wait!  I know a seventies song that tells a story!  It’s not a particularly happy one, but even so…
“I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday…  Parking by the lake, and there was not another car in sight.  I never had a girl looking any better than you did, and all the kids at school were wishing they were me that night!

Our bodies were so close and tight – it never felt so good, it never felt so right.  We were glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife, and I felt like I had to hold on tight!”

“Though it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night,” Patti said throatily.

“I can see paradise, by the dashboard light!” Marvin replied.

“Ain’t no doubt about it, we were doubly blessed. ‘Cause we were barely seventeen and we were barely dressed,” Patti would tell her friends, years later.  “Ain’t no doubt about it, baby got to go and shout it!  Ain’t no doubt about it, we were doubly blessed.  ‘Cause we were barely seventeen and we were barely dressed.”

Encouraged by this response, Marvin ventured, “baby doncha hear my heart?  You got it drowning out the radio!  I’ve been waiting so long for you to come along and have some fun.  And I gotta let you know, no you’re never gonna regret it – so open up your eyes, I got a big surprise, it’ll feel all right, I wanna make your motor run!”

“You got to do what you can,” Patti agreed, “let Mother Nature do the rest.  Ain’t no doubt about it we were doubly blessed.  ‘Cause we were barely seventeen and we were barely-“

“We’re gonna go all the way tonight,” he interrupted, “we’re gonna go all the way tonight, tonight!  We’re gonna go all the way tonight we’re gonna go all the way tonight’s the night…”

At this point they were interrupted by a radio broadcast, discussing an important baseball game.

“OK, here we go,” the announcer began.  “We got a real pressure cooker going here.  Two down, nobody on, no score, bottom of the ninth.  There’s the windup, and there it is, a line shot up the middle – look at him go!  This boy can really fly!

He’s rounding first and really turning it on now, he’s not letting up at all, he’s gonna try for second; the ball is bobbled out in center, and here comes the throw – and what a throw! He’s gonna slide in head first, here he comes, he’s out! No, wait, safe – safe at second base, this kid really makes things happen out there.

Batter steps up to the plate, here’s the pitch-he’s going, and what a jump he’s got, he’s trying for third, here’s the throw, it’s in the dirt-safe at third! Holy cow, stolen base! He’s taking a pretty big lead out there, almost daring him to try and pick him off. The pitcher glances over, winds up, and it’s bunted, bunted down the third base line, the suicide squeeze is on! Here he comes. squeeze play, it’s gonna be close! Here’s the throw… Here’s the play at the plate… Holy cow, I think he’s gonna make it!”

“Stop right there!” Patti squeaked all of a sudden, “I gotta know right now!  Before we go any further!  Do you love me?  Will you love me forever?  Do you need me?  Will you never leave me?  Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?  Will you take me away, will you make me your wife?”

When Marvin failed to respond, she said again, more urgently this time, “do you love me!?  Will you love me forever!?  Do you need me?  Will you never leave me?  Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?  Will you take me away , will you make me your wife?!  I gotta know RIGHT NOW, before we go any further, do you love me?  Will you love me forever!?”

Marvin thought about it for a while, but was reluctant to answer.

“Let me sleep on it,” he suggested at last, “baby, baby let me sleep on it?  Let me sleep on it and, I’ll give you an answer in the morning.”

This was not enough, though.

“I gotta know right now,” Patti insisted, “do you love me?  Will you love me forever?”

Marvin remained reticent.

“What’s it gonna be boy?” she asked again.  “Come on!  I can wait all night.  What’s it gonna be boy?  Yes, or no?”

This hectoring was overwhelming, but she could see it working, so she continued, “what’s it gonna be boy? YES, OR, NO??”

“Let me sleep on it?” he tried again.

“Will you love me forever?”

“Let me sleep on it?”

“Will you love me forever?!”

And at that point, Marvin snapped.

“I couldn’t take it any longer,” he was to explain to his mates down the pub in years to come, “Lord I was crazed, and then the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave – I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave that I would love her to the end of time.  I swore that I would love her to the end of time!”

So now they’re praying for the end of time to hurry up and arrive.

“‘Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you, I don’t think that I can really survive,” Patti has been heard to scream, as Marvin shouts,

“I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow, but God only knows what I can do right now!  I’m praying for the end of time, it’s all that I can do!  Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!”

This of course was long ago, and it was far away, and it was so much better than it is today.  Still, at least they aren’t another divorce statistic…

Let’s Get Lyrical #17 – Rick Rolling

Morning, lyric fans.  How’s it going?  Lovely.

So far in my prolonged nod to Let’s Get Lyrical I’ve mentioned a few choice tunes from the noughties and nineties, so it seems chronologically sensible if we spend this week getting our eighties groove on.  First up, how about a bit of Rick Astley?  You know you want to.

We’re no strangers to love

I’m not saying you’re a slag, exactly, but well –

You know the rules and so do I!

Nudge nudge, wink wink…

A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy

Basically saying there that this girl is such a monumental whore that nobody else will have her, so it’s Rick or spinsterhood.  Charming.

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

By undermining your self esteem as much as possible..

Never gonna give you up

Unlike all other men, who would drop you instantly, you skank

Never gonna let you down

Well, comparatively speaking at any rate.  I mean, obviously I will let you down sometimes, in terms of forgetting birthdays, never taking you out, and not building the flat pack furniture when I say I will.  And of course I’ll slob about the house drinking lager and moaning about my bygone pop career.  But I won’t leave you, like all other men probably would.

Never gonna run around and desert you

I will totally settle.  I’ve never had delusions of grandeur, partner-wise.  I’m more of a career guy.

Never gonna make you cry

Not deliberately, at least.  I mean, I’ll probably end up very distant and emotionally detached.  But that’s OK.  I almost certainly won’t hit you or have affairs, which is the best you can hope for.

Never gonna say goodbye

Even if you want me to.

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

I will be totally honest about the fact that I’ve had to settle for the bronze medal, and you can’t be hurt by that because I told you in song format right at the start of our relationship.  Don’t come into this thinking you can change me, cause you can’t.

We’ve known each other for so long

At least ten minutes now.

Your heart’s been aching but
You’re too shy to say it

Come on, you can admit it!  I am AMAZING at reading people.

Inside we both know what’s been going on
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

Well, neither of us is getting any younger.

And if you ask me how I’m feeling
Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see

I’m not going to answer any more of your stupid questions, it’s obvious how I feel about our impending life together – fine.

Chorus repeats twice

(Because we have nothing more to say to each other)

Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)
(Ooh)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)

So stop crying and get used to the idea.

We’ve know each other for so long

Getting on for fifteen minutes, now

Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it
Inside we both know what’s been going on
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

I speak for both of us now.  That’s non-negotiable.

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

I feel as if I’m losing you now, so I guess I’ll repeat the chorus to fade, and whilst you’re looking at your watch for the seventeenth time one of my guys will creep up behind you and cover your mouth with the hanky soaked in ether as if we were in a Nancy Drew adventure.  When you awake, you will be bound to me forever, because as discussed I am NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP.

Cue three solid hours of manaical laughter.

Let’s Get Lyrical #11 – Hanson

Let’s Get Lyrical officially starts today! I am devastated that I’m not in Edinburgh for tonight’s event, Why Do Songs Have Lyrics? – based on some of the ones I’ve uncovered for this blog it seems a pertinent question! But I am house sitting in Perthshire, so all I can really do is take you back to the nineties.

Remember the nineties, internet? The decade of parachute pants, opal fruits, and ecstasy? No? Well then I shall ease you in gently by initially only going as far back as 1997, when Hanson shocked the world by writing a number one song about something called an ‘MMMbop‘.

It went a little something like this.

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last

This seems a little bit bleak, to me, but at the time Hanson were aged 12, 14 and 16 so perhaps they didn’t have the plethora of life experience to fall back on that the likes of N-Dubz enjoy today.

You go through all this pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they’re gone so fast
And they’re gone so fast

I was going to say they’d been watching too much Dawson’s Creek until I googled it and discovered that show actually started the following year.  But essentially I think that the media must have played a part in this outlook on love, because having seen the video documentary they made at the time (I had some enthusiastic fan-friends), their family life was cheesily happy; their parents were totally in love and kept spewing forth babies, and all of them got along really well.  Nary a pain or a strife to be seen.

So hold on to the ones who really care
In the end they’ll be the only ones there

The ones who really care?  Mum and Dad, by and large, innit?  Obviously it’s every parent’s dream to outlive their child, but sadly it doesn’t always work out that way…

When you get old and start losing your hair
Can you tell me who will still care?
Can you tell me who will still care?

WELL.  A lot of people manage to ensnare romantic partners, who are willing to at least give an appearance of caring as long as you return the favour.  If you’re in Hanson there are also about 8 million brothers and sisters, so the odds are that at least one or two might be fond of you.  And the Salvation Army are very caring, I’ve heard.  Help The Aged.  Your nosy neighbour.  Your own children.  Any pets that may rely on you for sustenance.  Members of the Bridge club you go to every Thursday.  Do old people still play Bridge, or is that a literary myth?  Anyway, hopefully lots of people still care about you when you’re old.  Be optimistic, guys.

Chorus:
Mmm bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du (Yea-ee-eah)

Mmm bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du (Yea-ee-eah)

…. Yeah.  Well what do you expect, they were only kids.  It was probably pretty stressful coming up with actual words for all those pesky verses, they deserve a chorus consisting essentially of noises.

Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows
It’s a secret no one knows!

Um, guys?  That’s not a secret.  Although I do like the idea that Hanson had a planting frenzy before writing that bit, touring up and down the length and breadth of America planting seeds everywhere and moving on before they had time to grow, just to keep the mystery alive.

Repeat Chorus

Yeah I will! *dances round kitchen burbling unintelligible chorus noises*

In an mmm bop they’re gone.
In an mmm bop they’re not there.

According to an interview they did at the time with Smash Hits magazine, an ‘mmmbop’ was an unspecified period of time.  You should use that next time you’re running late.  “Sorry, missed the bus, but I’ll be there in an mmmbop!xx”  And let me know whether you get away with it, please.

In an mmm bop they’re gone.
In an mmm bop they’re not there.
Until you lose your hair. But you don’t care.

I think, Hanson, that you do care, by virtue of the fact you wrote a song about it.  If you didn’t care, you would surely not dedicate so much time and energy to the subject.  Also, why are you so worried about losing your hair? Is there a history of early balding in your family?  Worse things happen at sea, y’know.  You guys are so emo.

Repeat Chorus

Can you tell me?  You say you can, but you don’t know.

Is that a challenge?  I can totally tell you! Wait though, what are you actually asking?

Can you tell me which flower’s going to grow?

Oh right.  Well, depends what seed it was, really.  It should have told you on the packet.

Can you tell me if it’s going to be a daisy or a rose?

Well, what did the packet say?

Can you tell me which flower’s going to grow?
Can you tell me? You say you can but you don’t know.

Only because you haven’t given me enough information!  God you are so annoying, stop acting like a freakin’ 12 year old!  …oh.

Repeat Chorus

Let’s Get Lyrical #10 – Rihanna

A most popular ditty of the noughties was Rihanna’s chat with Jay-Z on the subject of her umbrella. It was number 1 in the UK for ten consecutive weeks in 2007, which was pretty impressive in a decade where single sales were in rapid decline. But were the lyrics any craic?

[Jay-Z]

No clouds in my stones

Pardon?

Let it rain, I hydroplane in the bank coming down with the Dow Jones

Again, pardon?  To hydroplane is to lose control of the steering when driving through a large body of water, and Dow Jones is a company that writes business news copy… Is Mr Z referring to an incident in which he drove through a moist bank, and someone from Dow Jones perhaps reported on it?  Banks count as businesses, so would no doubt be in their remit.

When the clouds come we gone, we Rockafella – we fly higher than weather

Rockafella, of course, refers to Jay-Z’s vast personal wealth, which enables him to fly above the clouds as soon as rain is even mentioned in passing.

In G5’s are better, you know me, in anticipation, for precipitation. Stack chips for the rainy day

That’s right, he has a gulfstream jet on standby at all times, just in case of a wee shower, and apparently it’s well stocked with crisps.

Jay, Rain Man is back with little Ms. Sunshine – Rihanna where you at?

One assumes that after that spiel she’s having a look at this jet of yours.

[Rihanna]

You have my heart and we’ll never be worlds apart

Well not literally at any rate, unless one of you (and my money’s on Jay- Z) invests in some kind of space travel device.

May be in magazines But you’ll still be m’star

Honey, you’ll both be in magazines.  I have seen your future.

Baby cause in the dark, you can’t see shiny cars

In that case, you’re doing it wrong.  Make him turn the headlights on, Ri Ri, it’s very hazardous to spev about in the dark without them.

And that’s when you need me there, with you I’ll always share, because

Fair point, it sounds as though he does need someone there, to stop him endangering himself and others around him.  Presumably what you’re about to share with him are the salient details of the Highway Code.

[Chorus]

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together

Or not.

Told you I’ll be here forever

Because that’s not clingy / verging on creepy…

Said I’ll always be a friend, took an oath ima stick it out till the end

Oh, OK, that’s quite sweet.  But does Jay-Z really force his friends to swear allegiance to him like some kind of crazed emperor?!

Now that it’s raining more than ever, know that we’ll still have each other

It’s nice to have someone with whom you can share this kind of experience, isn’t it.

You can stand under my um-buh-rella, you can stand under my um-buh-rella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my um-buh-rella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my um-buh-rella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my um-buh-rella (Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

Yeah, that’s going to be in your head for the rest of the day.  Sorry.

These fancy things, will never come in between

What fancy things?  Has Beyoncé got involved?  Perhaps thrown wellies and a sou’wester into the ring?  Better coverage than a measly brolly there.

You’re part of my entity, here for infinity

I’m sorry, but people don’t refer to ‘my entity’, the whole point of that word is that it is separate and ‘other’.  What you mean is that he is part of you, or your life, forever, but this is a deeply clumsy way of expressing that emotion.  So there.

When the war has took its part

Is this a specific war, or a more general fight to get by in this crazy world of ours?

When the world has dealt its cards

Like the sentient poker dealer it is…

If the hand is hard, together we’ll mend your heart

The world is of course renowned for dealing Jay-Z one terrible hand after another.  He’s like the unluckiest man in the music industry.  For realsies.

Because… [Chorus]

You can run into my arms

You don’t know how long I have waited to hear you say that…

It’s OK don’t be alarmed, come here to me

There’s no distance in between our love

Well… methinks there might be a Beyoncé-length distance involved, actually.

So gawn and let the rain pour, I’ll be all you need and moooooooo-OOOOOOORE

The capitals denote modulation.  Thanks, Standard Grade music.

Because.. [Chorus]

It’s raining

No it isn’t.

Ooh baby it’s raining

Nuh uh.

Baby come here to me, come here to me, it’s raining!

Seriously, shut up now.  It’s not.

Argument repeats to fade.

Let’s Get Lyrical #9 – Gwen Stefani

Twas during the noughties that lovely Gwen Stefani went solo, and whilst many annoyingly catchy tunes resulted, some of the lyrics were a little dubious.  Take the title track of 2006 LP The Sweet Escape.

If I could escape I would but
First of all, let me say
I must apologize for acting stank & treating you this way

OK, that’s fair enough, she’s taking responsibility for her mistakes which is pretty cool of her.  Acting stank, in case you don’t already know, refers to the phrase ‘stank bitch’ which means a female who bitches a lot – possibly a slaggy one with a smelly woo woo.  I say.

Cause I’ve been acting like sour milk all on the floor

As similes go, it’s certainly an original one… not sure if I’d ever use it myself, but top marks for effort.

It’s your fault you didn’t shut the refrigerator –
Maybe that’s the reason I’ve been acting so cold?

How cold is your fridge, Gwen?  Is it actually cold enough to affect your actual relationship with your actual partner?  THAT’S TOO COLD, Gwen.  Your cheese must be like ICE.  Not ideal for when you get in from work and want to make a toastie, is it.

If I could escape, and recreate a place that’s my own world

You’d be Penny Crayon, which would be AWESOME.

And I could be your favourite girl,

Yeah sure, if you draw me a unicorn that turns real, and a pile of cupcakes, and some sort of employment contract with a broadsheet newspaper, you can totally be my favourite girl.  I’m materialistic in that way.

Perfectly together, tell me boy now wouldn’t that be sweet?

Damn.  Not talking to me, then.  She’s probably on about Gavin Rossdale or something.  Just because he’s her husband.  Lame.

If I could be sweet, I know I’ve been a real bad girl (I’ll try to change)
I didn’t mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better, tell me boy wouldn’t that be sweet? (sweet escape)

Whatevs Stefani, I’ve still not forgiven you for leading me on so callously.  You probably do not have the capacity to change, on account of the fickle nature of your sex.  Ask Andy Gray, he knows all about it.

You held me down, I’m at my lowest boiling point

What is the lowest boiling point of Gwen Stefani?  To find this out I googled ‘boiling point of human beings’ (of which she is one), because I like to conduct the most stringent of research when writing blog posts.  Interestingly one of the first things to come up was the WikiAnswers entry ‘what is the boiling point of the human soul?’  Apparently, if you’re asking in a spiritual sense, “it varies greatly from person to person, because each person has a different threshold for anger, love, understanding and forgiveness.”  So now we know.

Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint
Come on let’s bounce, counting on you to turn me around

In theory, as a strong independent woman with a scary entourage of Japanese minions, she ought to be able to sort out her own bouncing arrangements.  But apparently the viscosity of her contrition is so great that she needs a bit of help.

Instead of clowning around, let’s look for some common ground

Perhaps a right of way or local park?

So baby, times get a little crazy

Yep, there’s a lot of cider down that park.

I’ve been gettin’ a little lazy, waitin’ on you to come save me

Aw, I like it when an artist can take a little bit of constructive criticism.

I can see that you’re angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don’t leave me, wanna take you with me

I’m sure the combination of this apology and your sweet magic drawings will do the trick.  Rossdale would be mad to give that up.

Then it’s the chorus again, followed by the squeaky bit that goes

WOOHOO!  YEEHOO!

a load of times.  That’s a fun bit to sing along with, isn’t it?  Yeah.  Then there’s the milk bit again, followed by more woohoos and yeehoos to fade.  An excellent conclusion, to what was already a pretty persuasive argument.  If you know a better apology song, I’d be moderately interested to hear it.