Tag Archives: toasties

Let’s Get Lyrical #22 – Jon Jon Bon Bon

Now, I love Bon Jovi just as much as the next over-inebriated person at a grotty rock club in the Cowgate of an evening.  But you have to wonder how/why/whether they take themselves seriously.  I mean, Wanted Dead or Alive is a bit wanky, isn’t it?

It’s all the same, only the names will change

Ever heard of context, Jon?  I mean, whilst I appreciate it’s seen as good writing technique to jump straight into the story to pique the reader’s interest, in this scenario a little bit of context wouldn’t hurt.

Everyday it seems we’re wasting away

Sure, yeah, why not.  The entire world has chronic wasting disease.  Right on!  You tell it like it is!

Another place where the faces are so cold
I’d drive all night just to get back home

Touring Alaska’s stadium circuit can take a heavy toll, I’ve heard.
[Chorus:]
I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

Good metaphor there, Jon.  Did you think of that all by your onesie?

I’m wanted dead or alive

Mostly dead though, am I right?

Wanted dead or alive

Oh for goodness sake, no you aren’t.  Pretending to be a cowboy isn’t cool, either.  You might think you’re Clint Eastwood, but you are definitely Kevin Costner in that interminable version of Wyatt Earp.  The one that makes most people want to chew off their own face rather than watch.

Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it’s not for days

Well maybe you need to get yourself into a better routine.  Stop roaming around the countryside at random hoping a mean lookin’ cowboy will engage you in a stand off and I dunno, take up running.  Eat some vegetables.

And the people I meet always go their separate ways

Wow.  That’s profound.  Or, alternatively, that’s LIFE.

Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink

Oh yeah, who doesn’t.  Tuesday is Malibu day, Wednesday it’s maybe a bottle of port, Thursday detox with some cherryade…

And times when you’re alone all you do is think

Yeah right.  Think about whether you have time to make another toastie before the next episode of Diagnosis Murder comes on TV.

[Chorus]

I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back

Ugh.  Shut up.

I play for keeps, ’cause I might not make it back

Might not make it back from WHAT?  A dangerous day of busking?  The most dangerous occupation in the West, apparently.

I been everywhere, and I’m standing tall

Dirty stop out.

I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all

Excuse me while I blow my own trumpet, won’t you.

I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I’m wanted dead or alive

Saying it in a slightly modulated key doesn’t make it any more true.

I’m a cowboy, I got the night on my side

Sure, yes, because of course everybody knows that cowboys are NOCTURNAL.  Glad to see I’m not the only one who carries out the bulk of my research on wikipedia…

I’m wanted dead or alive
And I ride, dead or alive

That’s ridiculous.  If you’re dead, you can’t ride a motorbike.  Even the cast of Dirty Sanchez wouldn’t try that.  Probably.

I still drive, dead or alive
Dead or alive [x4]

Alright, alright, have it your way.  You’re a super cool, nocturnal cowboy who was apparently killed in a freak busking accident.  Probably decapitated with your own six string.  Now please, go away, and don’t come back til you’ve come up with another You Give Love A Bad Name.

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Let’s Get Lyrical #9 – Gwen Stefani

Twas during the noughties that lovely Gwen Stefani went solo, and whilst many annoyingly catchy tunes resulted, some of the lyrics were a little dubious.  Take the title track of 2006 LP The Sweet Escape.

If I could escape I would but
First of all, let me say
I must apologize for acting stank & treating you this way

OK, that’s fair enough, she’s taking responsibility for her mistakes which is pretty cool of her.  Acting stank, in case you don’t already know, refers to the phrase ‘stank bitch’ which means a female who bitches a lot – possibly a slaggy one with a smelly woo woo.  I say.

Cause I’ve been acting like sour milk all on the floor

As similes go, it’s certainly an original one… not sure if I’d ever use it myself, but top marks for effort.

It’s your fault you didn’t shut the refrigerator –
Maybe that’s the reason I’ve been acting so cold?

How cold is your fridge, Gwen?  Is it actually cold enough to affect your actual relationship with your actual partner?  THAT’S TOO COLD, Gwen.  Your cheese must be like ICE.  Not ideal for when you get in from work and want to make a toastie, is it.

If I could escape, and recreate a place that’s my own world

You’d be Penny Crayon, which would be AWESOME.

And I could be your favourite girl,

Yeah sure, if you draw me a unicorn that turns real, and a pile of cupcakes, and some sort of employment contract with a broadsheet newspaper, you can totally be my favourite girl.  I’m materialistic in that way.

Perfectly together, tell me boy now wouldn’t that be sweet?

Damn.  Not talking to me, then.  She’s probably on about Gavin Rossdale or something.  Just because he’s her husband.  Lame.

If I could be sweet, I know I’ve been a real bad girl (I’ll try to change)
I didn’t mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better, tell me boy wouldn’t that be sweet? (sweet escape)

Whatevs Stefani, I’ve still not forgiven you for leading me on so callously.  You probably do not have the capacity to change, on account of the fickle nature of your sex.  Ask Andy Gray, he knows all about it.

You held me down, I’m at my lowest boiling point

What is the lowest boiling point of Gwen Stefani?  To find this out I googled ‘boiling point of human beings’ (of which she is one), because I like to conduct the most stringent of research when writing blog posts.  Interestingly one of the first things to come up was the WikiAnswers entry ‘what is the boiling point of the human soul?’  Apparently, if you’re asking in a spiritual sense, “it varies greatly from person to person, because each person has a different threshold for anger, love, understanding and forgiveness.”  So now we know.

Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint
Come on let’s bounce, counting on you to turn me around

In theory, as a strong independent woman with a scary entourage of Japanese minions, she ought to be able to sort out her own bouncing arrangements.  But apparently the viscosity of her contrition is so great that she needs a bit of help.

Instead of clowning around, let’s look for some common ground

Perhaps a right of way or local park?

So baby, times get a little crazy

Yep, there’s a lot of cider down that park.

I’ve been gettin’ a little lazy, waitin’ on you to come save me

Aw, I like it when an artist can take a little bit of constructive criticism.

I can see that you’re angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don’t leave me, wanna take you with me

I’m sure the combination of this apology and your sweet magic drawings will do the trick.  Rossdale would be mad to give that up.

Then it’s the chorus again, followed by the squeaky bit that goes

WOOHOO!  YEEHOO!

a load of times.  That’s a fun bit to sing along with, isn’t it?  Yeah.  Then there’s the milk bit again, followed by more woohoos and yeehoos to fade.  An excellent conclusion, to what was already a pretty persuasive argument.  If you know a better apology song, I’d be moderately interested to hear it.

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