A most popular ditty of the noughties was Rihanna’s chat with Jay-Z on the subject of her umbrella. It was number 1 in the UK for ten consecutive weeks in 2007, which was pretty impressive in a decade where single sales were in rapid decline. But were the lyrics any craic?
[Jay-Z]
No clouds in my stones
Pardon?
Let it rain, I hydroplane in the bank coming down with the Dow Jones
Again, pardon? To hydroplane is to lose control of the steering when driving through a large body of water, and Dow Jones is a company that writes business news copy… Is Mr Z referring to an incident in which he drove through a moist bank, and someone from Dow Jones perhaps reported on it? Banks count as businesses, so would no doubt be in their remit.
When the clouds come we gone, we Rockafella – we fly higher than weather
Rockafella, of course, refers to Jay-Z’s vast personal wealth, which enables him to fly above the clouds as soon as rain is even mentioned in passing.
In G5’s are better, you know me, in anticipation, for precipitation. Stack chips for the rainy day
That’s right, he has a gulfstream jet on standby at all times, just in case of a wee shower, and apparently it’s well stocked with crisps.
Jay, Rain Man is back with little Ms. Sunshine – Rihanna where you at?
One assumes that after that spiel she’s having a look at this jet of yours.
[Rihanna]
You have my heart and we’ll never be worlds apart
Well not literally at any rate, unless one of you (and my money’s on Jay- Z) invests in some kind of space travel device.
May be in magazines But you’ll still be m’star
Honey, you’ll both be in magazines. I have seen your future.
Baby cause in the dark, you can’t see shiny cars
In that case, you’re doing it wrong. Make him turn the headlights on, Ri Ri, it’s very hazardous to spev about in the dark without them.
And that’s when you need me there, with you I’ll always share, because
Fair point, it sounds as though he does need someone there, to stop him endangering himself and others around him. Presumably what you’re about to share with him are the salient details of the Highway Code.
[Chorus]
When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Or not.
Told you I’ll be here forever
Because that’s not clingy / verging on creepy…
Said I’ll always be a friend, took an oath ima stick it out till the end
Oh, OK, that’s quite sweet. But does Jay-Z really force his friends to swear allegiance to him like some kind of crazed emperor?!
Now that it’s raining more than ever, know that we’ll still have each other
It’s nice to have someone with whom you can share this kind of experience, isn’t it.
You can stand under my um-buh-rella, you can stand under my um-buh-rella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my um-buh-rella (Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my um-buh-rella (Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my um-buh-rella (Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)
Yeah, that’s going to be in your head for the rest of the day. Sorry.
These fancy things, will never come in between
What fancy things? Has Beyoncé got involved? Perhaps thrown wellies and a sou’wester into the ring? Better coverage than a measly brolly there.
You’re part of my entity, here for infinity
I’m sorry, but people don’t refer to ‘my entity’, the whole point of that word is that it is separate and ‘other’. What you mean is that he is part of you, or your life, forever, but this is a deeply clumsy way of expressing that emotion. So there.
When the war has took its part
Is this a specific war, or a more general fight to get by in this crazy world of ours?
When the world has dealt its cards
Like the sentient poker dealer it is…
If the hand is hard, together we’ll mend your heart
The world is of course renowned for dealing Jay-Z one terrible hand after another. He’s like the unluckiest man in the music industry. For realsies.
Because… [Chorus]
You can run into my arms
You don’t know how long I have waited to hear you say that…
It’s OK don’t be alarmed, come here to me
There’s no distance in between our love
Well… methinks there might be a Beyoncé-length distance involved, actually.
So gawn and let the rain pour, I’ll be all you need and moooooooo-OOOOOOORE
The capitals denote modulation. Thanks, Standard Grade music.
Because.. [Chorus]
It’s raining
No it isn’t.
Ooh baby it’s raining
Nuh uh.
Baby come here to me, come here to me, it’s raining!
Seriously, shut up now. It’s not.
Argument repeats to fade.
The Temp Files 