Twas during the noughties that lovely Gwen Stefani went solo, and whilst many annoyingly catchy tunes resulted, some of the lyrics were a little dubious. Take the title track of 2006 LP The Sweet Escape.
If I could escape I would but
First of all, let me say
I must apologize for acting stank & treating you this way
OK, that’s fair enough, she’s taking responsibility for her mistakes which is pretty cool of her. Acting stank, in case you don’t already know, refers to the phrase ‘stank bitch’ which means a female who bitches a lot – possibly a slaggy one with a smelly woo woo. I say.
Cause I’ve been acting like sour milk all on the floor
As similes go, it’s certainly an original one… not sure if I’d ever use it myself, but top marks for effort.
It’s your fault you didn’t shut the refrigerator –
Maybe that’s the reason I’ve been acting so cold?
How cold is your fridge, Gwen? Is it actually cold enough to affect your actual relationship with your actual partner? THAT’S TOO COLD, Gwen. Your cheese must be like ICE. Not ideal for when you get in from work and want to make a toastie, is it.
If I could escape, and recreate a place that’s my own world
You’d be Penny Crayon, which would be AWESOME.
And I could be your favourite girl,
Yeah sure, if you draw me a unicorn that turns real, and a pile of cupcakes, and some sort of employment contract with a broadsheet newspaper, you can totally be my favourite girl. I’m materialistic in that way.
Perfectly together, tell me boy now wouldn’t that be sweet?
Damn. Not talking to me, then. She’s probably on about Gavin Rossdale or something. Just because he’s her husband. Lame.
If I could be sweet, I know I’ve been a real bad girl (I’ll try to change)
I didn’t mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better, tell me boy wouldn’t that be sweet? (sweet escape)
Whatevs Stefani, I’ve still not forgiven you for leading me on so callously. You probably do not have the capacity to change, on account of the fickle nature of your sex. Ask Andy Gray, he knows all about it.
You held me down, I’m at my lowest boiling point
What is the lowest boiling point of Gwen Stefani? To find this out I googled ‘boiling point of human beings’ (of which she is one), because I like to conduct the most stringent of research when writing blog posts. Interestingly one of the first things to come up was the WikiAnswers entry ‘what is the boiling point of the human soul?’ Apparently, if you’re asking in a spiritual sense, “it varies greatly from person to person, because each person has a different threshold for anger, love, understanding and forgiveness.” So now we know.
Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint
Come on let’s bounce, counting on you to turn me around
In theory, as a strong independent woman with a scary entourage of Japanese minions, she ought to be able to sort out her own bouncing arrangements. But apparently the viscosity of her contrition is so great that she needs a bit of help.
Instead of clowning around, let’s look for some common ground
Perhaps a right of way or local park?
So baby, times get a little crazy
Yep, there’s a lot of cider down that park.
I’ve been gettin’ a little lazy, waitin’ on you to come save me
Aw, I like it when an artist can take a little bit of constructive criticism.
I can see that you’re angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don’t leave me, wanna take you with me
I’m sure the combination of this apology and your sweet magic drawings will do the trick. Rossdale would be mad to give that up.
Then it’s the chorus again, followed by the squeaky bit that goes
a load of times. That’s a fun bit to sing along with, isn’t it? Yeah. Then there’s the milk bit again, followed by more woohoos and yeehoos to fade. An excellent conclusion, to what was already a pretty persuasive argument. If you know a better apology song, I’d be moderately interested to hear it.